Excerpt for An Enema From the Puritan Doctor by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

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Eleanor took a deep breath before stepping into her uncle’s time machine. She had done this before, twenty maybe thirty times, so why was she so nervous?

She could answer that without even thinking. This time John would be there, the handsome doctor she had been watching from afar for the past week. Uncle installed a television in the time machine so she could learn about the culture she was entering: what they ate, what they wore, how they spoke. For the Puritans at Jamestown, that consisted of deer, fish and bread. They wore ugly grey and black dresses that went up to their necks. They spoke in “thees” and “thous,” reflecting their obsession with God. They had literally no sex, which must have been hard for the Puritan women when there were men like John walking around. He was tan and chiseled from farming in the fields all day. His muscles arms strained when they pushed the plow, and he groaned at its heaviness. His butt stuck out far past his pantaloons, so far that they looked like they would rip open. It was firm and round, with little dimples on the sides. His muscled, hairy legs were big and strong and perfectly aligned with his barreled chest. Even better, John Heath was the only doctor in the town, and Uncle Harvey was sending Eleanor to Jamestown to research Puritan medical practices. How would she do that exactly? She would pretend to be a patient. The Puritans believed sex was a cure for hysteria, didn't they? Well then she would become the most hysterical woman of 1625.

Her pointed Puritan-era shoes stepped onto the cold, shiny metal on the floor of the time machine. The door closed automatically behind her with a beep. “All set?” her uncle called from the other side of the door.

She kneaded the back of her knock through her white collar one last time. “Yes,” she breathed, and the moment she did, she felt her body disintegrate into a hundred million air bubbles. They spread throughout the time capsule, wedging into the cracks and crevices. Then they fell to the floor in slow-motion. Then they were Eleanor again. First she felt her heart beating madly in her chest, then her sweaty palms, then her feet with nothing to fall on—then her head, and it was falling, falling through space into nothing. Her legs flailed against the thick air. Eleanor looked down and saw the huts, trees and grass coming into view beneath her. Then she landed on her bottom onto the grass with a sharp thud, and the air was thin again, and the sun was shining its pale mid-day light onto her face and warming her through her thick cotton dress and petticoats.


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